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Nicole’s month of abstaining is over

So I had sex as soon as it was. It was by far the absolute worst sex I have ever had. I went to see that guy that loves me who I haven’t seen in ages. Nothing changed as far as hugging and such and he kissed me which made me super happy because all that time I loved him when I was younger he never did. But then we had sex and it was so upsetting for me because I guess somewhere in my head I hoped to be fulfilling a dream of my youth. And then we cuddled more which for me does not happen ever after sex. I usually either go to sleep, send the person home, or with bro one I might cuddle and then sleep. But not with anyone who actually likes me. And keeps telling me how much they missed me and kissing my head. I feel like a terrible human being. Because I know this whole thing is going to end in flames and I will have lost someone who was so important to me. I got home and sexted bro 2 again I’m a horrible person.

Going to see a boy who loves me in a half hour. Haven’t seen him in 6 years. I don’t love anyone at this juncture except for everyone. It’s Eid tomorrow!!! Ramadan is over!! I intend to kiss everyone enthusiastically.

Going to see a boy who loves me in a half hour. Haven’t seen him in 6 years. I don’t love anyone at this juncture except for everyone. It’s Eid tomorrow!!! Ramadan is over!! I intend to kiss everyone enthusiastically.


I got tagged to post six of my favorite selfies that make me really happy. I picked some vintage ones since I post them almost daily here. I used to be much smaller. But I am so so happy to be who i am right now. I tag hiscalifornia not-the-mom julierthanyou mothbreath somesaysheise


I am going home to nh leaving in probably 8 hours. Maybe spending 3 days. I will take pictures because it’s the most beautiful thing.


I went on a date with an old friend and it was just really easy and the conversation was perfect and I just left feeling really good. I even travelled into the city for this date which you know makes my skin crawl but again I felt really comfortable. We will see where this goes from here.

How Do I Unlove You and Unwrite The Past



If you have loved, you have lost. Don’t feel too bad about it — sometimes things just don’t work out, people change, or maybe you weren’t right for each other in the first place. It’s what happens after a relationship has ended that matters. Move on, let go, and make the best of things. But the question remains, can you really unlove someone and somehow unwrite the past?

Go back to the place where it all began, and learn to love the memories with out them.

Wake up and stretch into all the empty space in your bed, because you have grown into something larger than they could ever contain.

Give yourself a second chance to be loved, but this time, don’t make it someone else’s job.

Buy yourself ice cream, and watch cheesy movies with yourself, and find the love you deserve buried within.

Learn to forgive yourself for letting them steal so much of your energy and thoughts from you, even after the warmth of their body was long forgotten. You have loved them so long that you forgot what felt like, because every time it crossed your mind, you can feel their hands on your body.

Bite your upper lip, and learn to say love without whispering their name.

Your heart is a house so full of cobwebs, I can’t tell if the lights are on, or if anyone is home. It’s time to clean house. Change the locks to your front door, so you can stop hoping that they kept your key and are coming back.

Throw out their old sweaters and stop buying their favorite food. This is going to hurt and you are going to suffer for it, but like battling cancer, this is a fight you will win, because you have so much to live for, without them holding you down.

Climb a mountain and see how the landscape is beautiful, scars and all. Beautiful.

You are brighter than the farthest stars, so shine knowing that there are no words for describing your worth. It is just common knowledge.

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This hit me on all the levels


I look like a real estate agent. Someone beautiful told me to make today better so I am going to try my best.


Long text post update of my life

I can safely say that my depression is back at about 75%. My apartment is a mess and I had to lie to my mum about it today. I am kind of over all of the force positivity for the moment. I love telling people why I love them but I am just getting tired. I want to feel better and this has been an amazing stretch and possibly the longest I have stayed positive in my life. I’ve been missing my old life lately and things are just resurfacing. I have so many dating options: two at home in NH, one I work with and possibly one more I work with and someone I know from college. It feels quite empty. My upswing involved me being busy all of the time and I still consider myself super lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I am just tired and I took two days off for the beginning of august to be home in nh but I may just work through them, because I know with what would have been my 9 year anniversary coming up I am going to break soon. I have infinity people to interview at work this week which is nice because I like the hr staff and I like doing interviews with them but we need people bad and I don’t like weeding through bad candidates. I am just tired and I wish I were on vacation with someone who loves me making out near an ocean or body of water.



So darling heads send me links to spotify playlists please. I need music in my bones.