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Things that are Things.

not-the-mom said: you're worrying me. send me a note, please. please?

I will be fine I’m just in a real deep hurting place and it’s not turning around . I know it will because it always has but it’s not easy right now at all.

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To be entirely honest sometimes I’ll google the toxicity of things to see what it would take for me to die. I understand the implications for everyone else and wonder how long it would take anyone to realize I was dead. I think how no one would feed the pigs and I don’t want them to die. Sometimes I look up crazy things like how much glass powder would kill me. Other times it’s normal things like how many Xanax or lithium or sleeping pills. I read other peoples experiences trying and feel sad. I know this isn’t healthy and besides minor cutting in my youth and half a bottle of NyQuil when I was 20 it’s never been a real thing in my head. Just something I think of. Figured I would document that so if one day it stops being something I think of I can be proud.

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Sup hoes. This one is dedicated to all the people I am dealing with today. Especially to my boss who I would love to share a Effexor script with.

Sup hoes. This one is dedicated to all the people I am dealing with today. Especially to my boss who I would love to share a Effexor script with.

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Bro one is back from vacation and we just face timed for an hour. Sometimes being friends is excellent.

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Thursday at a bar the doors to the bathroom were awful so as my friend walked into the restroom I saw a man peeing. We made eye contact and kept it until he left the bathroom. I was at a table. It was all very strange but I feel like I am closer to this stranger now because I witnessed something so personal lol.

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And you were sleeping and then an hour later come cuddle turns into something a lot dirtier. You live 15 min away with no traffic but don’t feel like walking around queens at 2 am to park and get there. Which is unfortunate because you love dirty. Bro 2 quit playing games. Jk if you didn’t exist I would probably be convinced that I was incapable of having feelings. And I would be pretty unfulfilled sexually.

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Waking up at 2 am and seeing a text from the guy who can never like you asking you to come cuddle…. Ugh.

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I left work early because I’ve been coughing and because I couldn’t handle being there. I took a Xanax. Second time taking any meds since end of May I think. I am finding a new doctor and discussing how to handle this without the severe amounts of meds I was on before. Talking does not make it better. I need a balance. Before my highs and lows were fluid now I can stay up for longer but then the crash knocks me out and I can’t function at all. Before I could push through the week and would fall to my knees every weekend. Now it’s not as convenient.

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This low has left my apartment looking like a warzone and me sleeping 900 hours a day. I have no motivation to do anything or go to work or to put on clothes or to get rid of the glass shards on my floor because I stepped on three glass things on accident and just never took care of it. My fridge is full of old takeout and the pigs probably hate me.