To be entirely honest sometimes I’ll google the toxicity of things to see what it would take for me to die. I understand the implications for everyone else and wonder how long it would take anyone to realize I was dead. I think how no one would feed the pigs and I don’t want them to die. Sometimes I look up crazy things like how much glass powder would kill me. Other times it’s normal things like how many Xanax or lithium or sleeping pills. I read other peoples experiences trying and feel sad. I know this isn’t healthy and besides minor cutting in my youth and half a bottle of NyQuil when I was 20 it’s never been a real thing in my head. Just something I think of. Figured I would document that so if one day it stops being something I think of I can be proud.